A Woman Like That
by LisaDouglas
Summary: Set in 1901, an AU where Elsie walks in Ethel Parks' shoes.
1. Three Choices

Ch 1- Three Choices

Glasgow, December 1901

"Shu, shu, shuuuu." Elsie soothed, bouncing her screaming son in her arms. "Shuuuu, there's no need to cry lad!"

Elsie stared out into the cold black night trying desperately to soothe her six-month-old baby as a thin layer of snow gently blanketed the icy stone covered street. It was dark in the tiny one-room home and mother and child had no warmth save the fire in the small hearth. It was barely enough to cook with, let alone to keep them warm.

"Shhhu Charles Bretton Hughes…do you want your mum to get in trouble?" She asked, a calm overcoming the boy's brown eyes even thought they still glistened with tears.

He shoved his tiny hand inside his mouth and looked up at her, seeming to understand her angst all too well. She hated seeing that look on his precious face. The one where he understood that he had to forego his own emotions, his babyhood, long enough to soothe his worried mother. It was unnatural. In those moments he seemed beyond his few months and almost stopped being a baby if that were possible…Worse: it was those moments when he looked most like his father and she couldn't stomach that.

Elsie paused, staring back at her baby, her eyes engaged with his in a kind of understanding only obtained by the greatest of hardships.

"But you know your mummy's already in trouble don't you lad?" She asked, repositioning him in her arms. "If you cry." She bit her lip. "Then they'll kick us out and it's a wee bit too cold for that isn't it lad?" She explained, a lump developing in her throat.

She kissed his forehead and wrapped her shawl tighter around the two of them, in a feudal attempt to keep them warm. Charlie was tired and closed his eyes as his mother began to sing quietly to him. Elsie hummed a soft tune under her breath as she walked around the room, rocking the boy. An onlooker might note that she clung to him, seeming to seek comfort and reassurance. In truth, she held him tight; for fear that soon he'd no longer be hers to love.

Charlie was comforted by his mother's soothing hug; it made his body all the more desperate for the warmth of his cradle. But his tiny mind swam and he fought the safety of sleep. He could sense his mother's worry and it bothered him. He was desperate to look back up into her face and see her smile. He needed to be assured of her peace before he went to sleep, but he found himself too entranced by the warmth of her embrace and the reassurance of her softly beating heart against his ear and soon fell to sleep.

Elsie was exhausted but couldn't bear to put him down. Logically her world would be a better place without him. She'd be what she had been before, a respectable maid in an even more respectable house, her honor intact. She'd make a good living and still have the chance of a husband if she wanted…

But now that she'd had her son there was no going back, and she'd have it no other way, for a mother's love was far too great a prize to ever surrender.

The small one-roomed apartment grew quiet for Elsie as the sound of her son's cries ringing in her ears faded into a deafening silence far harder to tolerate. It was in that environment where her mind roamed freely, often wandering into dangerous, uncharted places she couldn't bare to take herself.

Now that she was asleep though, she felt the urge to voice the truth and knew it was safe to do so. The baby would not hear or understand, and she could free her angst to the air and urge herself to fully face it, knowing it was grim but true. It had no place trapped in her head or weighing on her heart, although she knew it would always weigh on her heart.

Elsie had fled to Glasgow. Going home to Scotland had seemed like a good idea at the time, a way to start a new life in a land where she wasn't really known, but she'd not found a way for herself there. After all, houses of repute didn't employ a girl with a baby, and besides, what was she to do with him while she worked? Truthfully, Elsie wanted to go home, to Argyll but was too ashamed and unwilling to burden her family: her sister was disabled, her mother's health was failing and her father was long dead. They couldn't handle the burden of a ruined woman and her bastard son anymore than baby Charlie could comfort his mother in her moments of greatest distress.

"I don't' know how much longer we can do this my baby lad, your mummy and you." She whispered as she started to sob, holding him tight to her chest.

Elsie had two choices and she did not like either of them. One would make her a woman of ill repute, never able to pick of the pieces of her tarnished, reputation, defiled body and broken spirit. The first might kill her, but the other would devastate her enough to leave her wanting death. She held her baby tightly at the thought and began to weep rather than cry.

"My baby boy I don't want it to come ta that. But I couldn't love ya any more and I'd do anything for you dear baby."

Charlie sighed, sensing his mother's hug even in his sleep. Exhausted, she finally put the sleeping boy in his cradle, preparing to turn in herself.

"It's Christmas." She began. "There's a third thing that Mummy can try. She can't make any promises. But just remember: your Daddy was a good man and maybe that will count for something."

Elsie bit her lip, having to brace herself at the mere thought of the man who'd fathered her son. She'd never get over him and couldn't handle thinking on him for more than a few seconds. Baby Charlie made that difficult most days, he looked a lot like his Dad. Elsie kissed her son again.

"Now get a good sleep little Charlie, you and your mum have a long journey tomorrow."


	2. In Your Eyes

Ch 2- In Your Eyes

"Waaa-ahhhh!" Charlie cried, tears streaming down his chubby pink cheeks as he clung to his mother. "Waaaa!"

"Shu, shu my baby boy. There. It's alright. We're just going on the train now aren't we there's no reason to fuss."

The little boy was scared of the train. Born in Glasgow six months prior, Charlie Hughes had never been out of the city, or on a train or bus or moving car of any type. The loud noises and all the many people rushing around scared him. Elsie hadn't anticipated this and was trying desperately to shush him, for fear they'd kick her off. She couldn't afford to repay the train fee and was paranoid about the situation. Getting kicked off could alter their lives forever, ruining any chance she had to make things right.

Charlie calmed as he gnawed on his mother's shoulder, watching other people behind them as she boarded the train. Baby Charlie was terrified of leaving her side. Elsie recognized this, wondering if he somehow understood that the two of them were in danger of having to part ways, and that that was what she was working to prevent.

Elsie rubbed his back in little circles as she walked, trying to shut out that thought but she could not. It was Christmas time and she was making the journey toward her last hope. At one time, it'd been her first and best hope. Elsie kissed Charlie's cheek quietly, moving him back into her arms as she sat down. After a few moments it became clear that she and her son would be in a cabin alone. This seemed highly unlikely, but nonetheless, Elsie was glad for the development. This way she could nurse and besides that, they needed to talk, or rather, she did.

"Are ya hungry lad?" She supposed he was.

She remained cheerful for the baby's sake, but found herself so nervous she was shaking. She could barely believe she was doing this; that she'd boarded this train; that she was going back there.

She hadn't fed the baby in a couple of hours and he was still only nursing him. Charlie was big enough for solid foods now, but she was trying to push that off as long as possible. She could barely afford to feed herself, let alone him. She barely ate and certainly couldn't afford to give him much of anything her body did not produce naturally. Elsie was thankful that so far, he'd not protested about this or demanded more than what her body could supply. But she knew that very soon, milk alone wouldn't sustain him anymore and like her he'd begin to starve. She didn't think she could bear to watch that.

"I love you so much my little boy." She smiled as she watched him nurse.

She wrapped the blanket she'd brought around them as the train began to move, slowly creeping down the track, and for them toward an uncertain fate. She held him tight and he looked up at her with the one eye that remained in her view. She jumped a little, surprised at how much he looked like his father in that moment. She'd known it was the case since he was very small, she saw it nearly every time she looked into his eyes, but every once in a while it startled her, just as it had made her heartsick the other night. Elsie swallowed hard. She did not think much on the baby's father.

"Mummy had to wait for this Charlie." She explained. "Until she had a enough money, until you were big enough to make the journey and well, until your Mummy was recovered enough to face it… truthfully she doesn't know if she is ready or ever will be, but we have to do it, and now. Oh you're so wonderful and you look so much like him…how could anyone ever deny you my Charlie? Certainly _**he**_ could not deny you."

Elsie leaned down and placed her forehead against her baby son's, holding him tightly. He'd stopped nursing now and had begun to get sleepy. Charlie looked up at his mother confused. He didn't understand she was talking about the father who'd never laid eyes on him, but he knew that whatever she was speaking of was important.

"It's our last shot. Our last shot at something normal for you my love. And I want something normal, something lovely for you so much my Charlie." She kissed his cheek. "Mummy promises it won't go to waste and she promises she won't ever let you go not for anyone or anything. You and me: that's our family wherever we go, whatever we have, and whoever decides we're his to care for…or not…"

Elsie had decided long ago that while she may be in need of help, and a husband, she wasn't helpless and wouldn't let someone else's action or inaction decide her fate or the baby's. Charlie clenched his fist around her sleeve tightly.

"Whatever happens Charlie, I will have you and you will have me."

…

A Year And Nine Months Prior

March 1900

"I wish we could stay like this forever." He admitted, almost gasping for air.

If anyone else could even know about it they'd never believe he'd just given in to this kind of temptation. It was the height of breaking protocol that was for sure, and was certainly not much like Carson or the young woman laying next to him in his bed. Truthfully, neither of them had ever given into such temptation before and in addition to everything else both were reeling from the shock. Carson looked over to find Elsie crying next to him, pulling his quilt up tight over her chest nervously. He was taken aback, and a little hurt by this.

"P-please don't cry." He whispered tenderly. "I really like you, a lot Ms. Hughes."

"Elsie." She corrected, drying her eyes.

She felt the same about him, but unlike him she was totally frantic about what she'd done. She'd gone and ruined herself. No it was worse: she'd allowed him to ruin her.

Elsie thought it was so odd to have gotten to this point: nude next to him in his bed, her hair a complete mess, and now suddenly after all of that she felt an overwhelming shyness overtake her. She didn't realize he was nervous too. Her tears hurt him a little, making him feel less than lovable, just when he wanted to be loved most.

He looked back at her, love swelling in his heart just as it did every time her gaze met his. He couldn't believe she was really there with him, that he had made love to her, like he'd dreamed of doing since he first realized he loved her. He had the urge to kiss her, to take her without saying a word and start the process all over again, but then remembered she was a lady whom he respected. As hard as it would be, he needed to start inquiring about her feelings.

She'd been scared at first when they started, but more than willing…at least he'd thought so. Until now though, neither of them had stopped for breath. He worried she was upset, or scared to death or worse, remorseful. That was the last thing he wanted. He loved her too much to ruin her. He'd only wanted her if she felt the same, he was, after all a gentleman. He'd been worried enough when she'd cried at the beginning, when he made her ache and bleed.

'What a way,' he'd thought in disappointment when he heard her begin to cry out in pain underneath him, 'to show her I care…that this will be fun… that I love her…" She'd been alarmed at first, not believing it would hurt nearly this much. The tears started to flow immediately but after a few excruciating seconds, the pain had faded into bliss for them both.

"Elsie I'm sorry if I…" He said after.

"I'm sorry I just- I can't believe we did that when… I can't believe I gave myself up before I was married."

Both were nervous to some degree, even after, and although he'd been overjoyed at the prospect of bringing her into his room and getting her into his bed, neither of them understood what had brought them to this point in the first place.

He'd had a few flings before, but didn't consider himself a man of the world by any means. He was a gentleman, who, until earlier this evening, had assumed that his affection for the new maid, Miss Hughes would go totally unnoticed by everyone for the duration of their time together, that there'd never be anyway to let her know how he felt, and certainly that such feelings would never be reciprocated.

On that note, he'd let it go as best he could, which wasn't saying much. Even then he couldn't get her off of his mind, or ignore the fact that she made his chest tighten and his stomach flip. He'd fancied other women of course, but he'd never experienced anything like this before. The thought of never having a chance with her, as he had assumed he didn't, made him ache inside. And then this opportunity presented itself. It would be along time before Carson understood it as fate.

Elsie sat in his bed, her heart pounding. The idea of being there with him like this: alone, nude, venerable, very awake, put her on high alert. She looked over at him, not knowing what to say to the man whom she'd just given her honor. She never imagined it would be like this and was floored by that more than anything else. At the same time, she'd known she'd loved him from the minute she'd first seen him. It was like nothing she'd ever experienced before and ultimately it had been why she'd said yes when he suggested they go upstairs.

They'd been the last two downstairs together that night. Neither knew they'd both been battling themselves about an attraction to each other for weeks now. Both, of course, had kept a professional distance between each other while alone downstairs, sneaking longing glances in each other's direction when they were assured the other was occupied with something else. But as fate would have it they had a little mishap. She'd ran smack into him while walking and doing some mending at the same time, she'd really been thinking about him of course. She stuck her hand out to stop herself, absentmindedly placing it flat against his strong chest and found herself inhaling a little too deeply. He'd noticed.

"I'm sorry." She'd said, her eyes entranced, staring up into his kind brown ones. "Clumsy of me."

He looked down, smiling back at her for a moment, when very suddenly the most wanton thought entered his head. He didn't even allow time to fight with himself, or reason or anything else, and very simply leaned down and kissed her. Elsie felt herself overwhelmed in the moment and his heart sunk in every way imaginable when he felt her lips resist his at first. Slowly though she tilted her head, parting her lips just so, and reached up to caress his face in her hand. Without hesitancy he deepened the kiss and she responded in kind, surprising him when she snaked her tongue into his mouth. She dropped the sewing and wrapped her arms around him, as their kiss quickly grew more passionate.

Breathless he kept pursuing her. She deepened the kiss again when she felt him back her against the wall and begin to lift her up.

"Mr. Carson." She panted, when they broke apart for air.

She had been about to apologize but stopped herself. He had lifted her up against the wall, his weight holding her there. They were at equal eye level now and simply entranced with each other's light and love and the simple fact that their feelings for each other were clearly reciprocated.

"Upstairs." He said suddenly, leaning down to kiss her again. She closed her eyes, weaving her fingers through his hair.

"What?" She asked breathlessly, almost laughing. How would they get away with that?

"Come upstairs with me." Carson suggested, his heart pounding at the mere thought of the words he couldn't believe he'd allowed himself to utter. It was simply too risqué to say, especially for him and to a woman he liked so much. The last thing he wanted was to disrespect her or scare her away.

"Yes, yes I want to go upstairs with you Charlie." She accepted, seizing his lips once more.

He smiled, almost beginning to cry as he kissed her again, overwhelmed at the idea that she felt the same way he did. Elsie had said yes for a number of reasons. Unmarried, and still virtuous, she went partially out of not wanting to become one of those old women who'd never had sex. She wasn't young anymore but she wasn't old either. She'd had her chances before, but she'd been waiting, not necessarily for marriage, but for someone who cared for her and whose touch felt right. She'd been waiting for that fickle thing some had said would never come: true love. She knew Charlie was not just right, but the only one for her the moment they'd met, but kissing him had confirmed the fact that it was love at last. The feel of his lips brushing against hers, and being wrapped in his strong arms felt like coming home for the first time and she knew within seconds that she was prepared to give herself to him completely.

Now that it was all over the two lay there awkwardly, wondering what the other was thinking. They'd practically pounced each other when finally alone and not given much thought to what they'd done. Truthfully, he was on cloud nine. He'd never felt for anyone the things he did for Elsie and couldn't believe she seemed to feel something similar for him. He didn't think he could ever be that lucky but he was. His heart swelled again and he grappled with confessing his love. He looked over suddenly when she took his hand and squeezed it tight.

He smiled down at her tenderly, unable to speak for a moment as he admired her. She smiled back brighter, her nervousness seeming to fade and he found himself further enthralled with her, nearly entranced. Her smile and eyes shone back up at him brightly, drawing him. He couldn't help but stare at her bare shoulders and cleavage, the mere thought that she was so beautiful and all his, causing his heart to quicken once again.

Neither of them truly understood how they'd gotten there, only knowing that now they didn't want to leave each other's orbit. Like him, she was toying with confessing her love, but didn't want to be the first to do so, to seem too desperate to be loved.

"I wish you could stay all night for all the nights." He whispered kissing her forehead sweetly.

"D-do ya mean that?"

"I mean that." He whispered, cradling her face in his hand. He looked down straight into her eyes and smiled with all his being. "I've been waiting for you all my days. I'm in love with you Elsie Hughes. Madly, truly in love. The gift of your honor means so much to me, and you mean more. I intend to do everything I can to show you how much I love you, and most importantly, to do so for all my days."

Her heart skipped a beat and she wondered if this was some kind of proposal. He did not elaborate further.

"Oh Charlie you do?" She couldn't help beginning to cry, she'd wanted so much to hear this from him.

"I do. I'll love you all my life." He reached up, holding her face in both of his hands.

"Oh Charlie. I love you too. I love…"

He stopped her, beginning to kiss her once more. She moaned into his mouth and both of them froze when they heard Mrs. Lee, the housekeeper, walk by his room, her keys jingling as she walked along. The miserable older woman patrolled the halls needlessly at night, and was on high alert this particular evening because Elsie was not in her bed. Both froze, suddenly realizing that she'd be looking for her. That was one of the many consequences they hadn't considered when he snuck her into his room.

"She really hates you." He whispered in observation. Mrs. Lee did dislike Elsie a lot, and without cause. In fact she'd tried to sack her, but Lord and Lady Grantham (and Carson) wouldn't have it: they all liked her.

"She does. Charlie what if she knocks…" She whispered.

He laughed. "Do you really think she'd knock on _my_ door and ask if I have a woman in here? She wouldn't dare." He kissed the side of her head. "She'd never suspect. And I'll make sure that she doesn't suspect you or harm you in anyway. Do not worry my love. You are a virtuous woman and I will make sure that as far as everyone is concerned, especially her, you remain that way. I will protect you. I promise. That's the job of a husband."

"C-Charlie?" She questioned.

"I wouldn't want the future Mrs. Carson hurt by anyone."

"Charlie is this a…"

"When we leave service, or, as soon as we figure out a way, be my wife. I know we've just had the one night but I love you Elsie Hughes. And I've known you were the one since the moment you said hello."

"Yes!" Her heart skipped a beat.

"Yes?" He was hopeful.

"Yes I'll marry you!" She squealed.

He smiled deeply, laughing with joy as he began to kiss her again, neither of them hearing the keys jingling outside the door. By this time, it was too late, as Mrs. Lee had heard Carson's laugh and Elsie's squeal.

…..

December 1901

Elsie sniffled, tears running down her cheeks at the mere thought of Mr. Carson. She could barely think on him now after all that had happened. Neither of them had ever thought it would turn out this way. She sat alone and terribly lonely in the train car, looking down into their son's eyes.

"Do you know why I still think you Daddy was a good man?" She asked the baby. He lay on her lap now, wide-awake, spitting and babbling as he sucked on his own hand. "Because every time I look at you, I see his love for me in your eyes."


	3. Questions

Ch 3- Questions

Several Days Later

Mrs. Carson felt a wave of shame rush over her. She clutched her necklace, her eyes wide, and face ashen as she sunk into the chair behind her, her body heavy and heart barely beating.

"He-he looks _just_ like my boy…" She voiced, her words echoing her shock and shame.

She couldn't believe it: that her Charlie would've done such a thing to dishonor himself. And in fact she would not have believed it if it weren't for the baby's eyes and cheeks and just the general way he stared back at her from his place on his mother's knee, chewing on his own fingers. Looking into that boy's face was like seeing her own infant son again. It was jarring, almost eerie and nothing in the whole world, not even her son's sworn word the child wasn't his, could make her deny this baby… or his mother.

"Yes ma'am he does." Elsie spoke nervously, holding baby Charlie tightly.

Elsie bounced him desperately trying to ensure that he didn't cry. Unfortunately for her, he'd started teething on the journey and was miserable. It had taken considerable effort for her to find Carson's mother, a woman she'd never met before. She hadn't wanted to go to her home. She was afraid to, and moreover, she couldn't imagine some strange woman showing up on her doorstep, telling her that her son had fathered a child out of wedlock. It would be quite a shock, especially for an elderly woman who thought the world of the man she'd raised, and she hated to do this to her. But what choice did she have?

Mrs. Carson looked back at the woman who sat before her in her humble living room. She had yet to introduce herself but she already knew her to be Elsie Hughes, or as her son had called her, the love of his life. Mrs. Carson was perplexed as to why she was skin and bone and looked nearly half dead. It was obvious she had nothing, and that everything that should've been hers her went to nourish or otherwise provide for her babe. Mrs. Carson felt the need to help, but had no way to do so. Elsie had not said what she'd come for but it was quite obvious, she needed help and could not feed herself let alone her son.

Mrs. Carson noted Elsie clutched the baby's sides nervously, and seemed afraid to speak. She wouldn't admit that she to was afraid. Why was she here, and moreover, where was her son in all this? Had he denied the boy, and if so, why would he do such a thing? Certainly _her_ son would not do that…not to such a sweet woman, and adorable boy.

"May I see my grandson?" Mrs. Carson asked, extending her arms to Charlie.

"Y-yes." Elsie was surprised, relieved to hear her acknowledge the baby. She wanted to cry when she said that but did her best to hold back.

It felt strange to hand her baby over, it made her nervous she might want to keep him and she did not like that idea. Charlie started to cry as soon as his mother gave him up. He couldn't remember being held by anyone but her and was completely panicked by the concept.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Carson, I'm sorry he knows no one but me, he…"

"Shuuu lad its alright." She smiled. "Miss…?"

"Miss Hughes." She said quietly, ashamed to reiterate that she was a miss.

"My son spoke very warmly of you Elsie." Mrs. Carson said, beginning to bounce Charlie to try and comfort him.

"H-he did?" She hadn't been sure if he'd tell his mother about them.

He'd been a little upset about the baby when he left, but had promised her they'd work it out. At the time, she hadn't known what he'd met. In fact, she'd never really gotten the chance to find out.

"Yes."

Mrs. Carson did not understand what had happened much more than Elsie did but together they could assemble the broken pieces. Her son had come to care for her, more than a year earlier when she'd fallen desperately ill and nearly died. During their time together; he'd told her of a woman named Elsie Hughes, who'd just recently arrived at Downton as a new housemaid. He'd said he loved her and planned on making her his wife someday, perhaps sooner rather than later. She'd been delighted by the idea, but had not heard a thing about Elsie in any of his letters since he'd returned to the abbey. She'd supposed it hadn't worked out, and that his heart was broken, not that she was off somewhere with child, suffering all alone.

She wondered if she missed any of the details. Because she'd been very ill when he was last there and didn't recall many of the things he'd conveyed about Miss Hughes. Perhaps he had said they were expecting a child? She wasn't sure. Maybe he'd mentioned that he was sending her to stay with her mother or something like that? She couldn't say. She wasn't even sure if she'd known she was Scottish. All she knew was that she'd never seen her son happier than he was at the mention of Miss Elsie Hughes. He'd seemed on cloud nine and even though she was his loving mother, she'd be the first to tell you that he wasn't exactly that cloud nine kind of chap.

This of course was the reason she'd let Elsie in her house in the first place: she'd been looking forward to meeting her and wanted to see the woman who could put her son on cloud nine.

Charlie continued to sob even as she rocked him. Elsie felt desperate, wanting to take him back in her arms.

"It's alright lad. Grandmama has something for teething. I can't do much for you Elsie, may I call you Elise?"

"Yes. Yes ma'am." She was relieved she was being so kind and tired not to sound too eager or too overly grateful.

She couldn't believe that his own mother believed her and was being so kind to her. She thought there had to be a catch.

"I won't give him up." She couldn't help but say.

"Dear girl I could never ask you to give him up." She paused wanting to address the boy by name. "His name?"

"Charlie." Elsie told her.

"Charlie, of course."

This almost perplexed her more. She wondered if Elsie could be resentful of her own son, given that she'd named the baby after him. On that same note, she also wondered how she _couldn't_ be resentful of him at least in some sense.

"Grandmama can help with teething, Charlie." She smiled at her sobbing grandson. "And give your mummy a bed for a few nights, and something warm to eat, doesn't that sound nice?"

"Yes, yes ma'am thank you very much." She started to cry, unable to help it now.

"Just one thing though." She said, looking up from the baby.

"Y-yes?" Elsie hesitated.

"A story."

…

Mrs. Carson held Charlie on her hip, watching Elsie as she ate. She noted that the previously demure young woman barely stopped between bites of her soup and bread. As far as Mrs. Carson could tell, Elsie hadn't eaten in weeks, or at least it would seem that way.

"I-I'm sorry Mrs. Carson I apologize, I'm…" Elsie stopped, yawning suddenly. "Oh, excuse me, I…"

"I understand." She affirmed.

Elsie paused, smiling at the woman for a minute before turning back to the soup again. Her gentle way of caring and even her manner of speaking reminded her so much of Carson, and she felt incredibly comforted in her presence. Elsie dropped her spoon with a clang, startled when she heard Charlie begin to cry again.

"Shuu." Mrs. Carson soothed. "It's alright Elsie, I've got him."

"Oh but I couldn't trouble you with him, Mrs. Carson."

"Nonsense, you've had a long journey, rest up and I will care for the lad. How about a warm bath, after your supper?"

Elsie hesitated, studying the woman carefully, wondering if she trusted her with her son when she wasn't present. She'd not really had a break from the baby, well…. ever. She'd given birth in a hospital in Glasgow and been sent on her way, alone with him not a day and a half later. It had been a terrifying, exhausting six months. And now that she was here, in the home of the baby's grandmother, Elsie decided to allow herself a little relief. She knew she hadn't felt such calm or peace anywhere in a very long, long time.

"R-really? I'd like that. But I couldn't put you to the trouble. Surely this was nice enough Mrs. Carson. Really."

No one had ever done much for Elsie. She was touched and more than overwhelmed that she'd brought her into her home, fed her soup, gave her tired arms rest, and offered to give her a place to lay her head at least for a night or two. It was overwhelming.

"I think you need it." She advised, watching the young woman continue to eat. It was obvious she was starving and it made Mrs. Carson even more confused about the situation.

"Elsie, how did this come to be?" She asked.

This was, after all, the story she'd requested as her only payment for their staying there. Elsie knew that and looked up carefully.

"I don't understand it myself." Elsie explained. "You have a question for me, don't you and I have one for you. You go first."

"Very well." She sat at her small kitchen table across from Elsie.

She had mushed an apple down to nothing and was planning on feeding it to Charlie while his mother had her soup. It would be the boy's first real food. He eyed it carefully from his place in his grandmother's arms, wondering what it was.

"I want to know what happened between you and my son." She said simply

"And I want to know where your son is."


	4. The Very Thought of Him, Part I

Ch 4- The Very Thought of Him, Part I

"Your poor mum seems tired." Mrs. Carson whispered in her tiny grandson's ear.

Charlie looked down curiously at his sleeping mother. He was comfortable in his grandmother's arms now, and understood she was a nice woman who could care for them both…he had no concept of course, that she was his grandmother. A little earlier in the evening, she'd fed him his first food aside from breast milk, a small bowl of strained apples that he'd taken to very quickly. It'd been Mrs. Carson's final test that the boy really was her grandson: his father had had an insatiable appetite for apples at that age and Charlie had taken to it in just the same way. Mrs. Carson was now thoroughly convinced.

"Let's let her sleep wee lad. I think she really needs it."

Elsie fell right to sleep after her bath. She'd be embarrassed in the morning when she realized she'd passed out half naked, her hair still wet. Mrs. Carson didn't care about Elsie's state of undress, or any of the other seemingly improper things she'd done since she'd been there, like yawning all throughout dinner, crying once or twice, eating far quicker than was polite, falling asleep, and finally, leaving her to care for baby Charlie all alone. Mrs. Carson placed a warm comforter over Elsie and tucked her in, pausing for a moment as she swept her auburn hair out of her face, hoping that she would have a peaceful night's sleep. She knew she deserved it.

"I am your grandmother." She whispered to Charlie as she took him back into the kitchen. "Did you know that?" Charlie looked at up at her with wide eyes. "How about some more apples sweet boy? I think you must be hungry, just as she is tired."

Mrs. Carson hadn't let on while Elsie was awake, but she was scared. Why hadn't her son acknowledged this boy who was very clearly his, and honored this woman who he'd told her he loved? It didn't make sense. Especially given their past. Charlie Carson had grown up without a father too. He knew how they suffered, how she suffered. Why on earth should he want to leave his own boy and a woman who he apparently loved in the same state? She hadn't thought she'd raised a man who would do that and was perplexed, sad…even terrified at the prospect that he'd done just that.

…

Mrs. Carson moved her son's old cradle out of storage and into her room when Charlie fell asleep. Like his mother, the tiny boy slept like a rock and well into the morning. Elsie sighed, finally waking during the middle of the day. It took her a moment to come to full consciousness and she almost screamed when she realized she was partially undressed. She heard a knock at her door and covered herself quickly.

"Elsie?"

"G-good morning Mrs. Carson…or is it, good afternoon?"

"It's afternoon dear girl." She laughed, carrying a tray in one hand and the baby in the other.

Charlie squealed, reaching for his mother, delight apparent in his tiny eyes. He hadn't seen her in hours and hours and had been worried she left him. He knew her name, _Mummy_ , and wanted to shout out the word, but was far too young.

"Oh my baby lad, come here!" Elsie smiled, taking her son in her arms. "Oh you needn't do that…" She protested as Mrs. Carson put the tray in her lap.

"Of course I should…Elsie. How did this all happen?" She asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.

The two women had begun to question each other the night before. It had quickly grown somewhat antagonistic and Elsie had gone off quietly to have her bath before it got too out of hand. Both women were confused and upset, and neither really wanted to be antagonistic toward the other. As a result, they had not gotten the answers they were seeking from each other the night before, and now that it was morning it was finally time to try again.

"Y-you want me to tell you my side first I see?" Elsie asked, sipping her tea. "We didn't have a falling out if that's what you're asking."

"If you're not comfortable speaking first, then I will." Mrs. Carson sighed. "Charlie came to care for me when I was ill."

"Yes, I remember that." Elsie confirmed.

"You were still at Downton?"

"Yes ma'am."

Mrs. Carson considered the timeline quickly, realizing Elsie would've had to have been pregnant at that time, probably somewhat _newly_ pregnant. She wondered if her son had known. Perhaps she'd never had the chance to tell him?

"He cared for me and he spoke so much of you." She explained, tears streaming down Elsie's cheeks at the mere mention of him. "I was very ill and the thought of you seemed to keep him going. He told me that he loved you, Elsie Hughes. That he planned on marrying you, and bringing you back here to see me."

Elsie's heart leapt when she heard he'd said he loved her and she found her tears growing stronger. How she longed for his comforting embrace, and for his gentle breath against her ear as he whispered: 'I love you.'

"I loved your son, Mrs. Carson. I loved him so very much. I did not leave him not willingly."

"Then here have you been with the boy all this time…I assume Charlie has not met him."

"No he has not, and Glasgow ma'am he was born there. I had no where to go and couldn't trouble my mum, she has a dependent of her own, my disabled sister."

"Oh I see. But if you love my son, then what happened? Better yet, just exactly _how_ did you know my son…he said you were a housemaid at Downton."

"Yes ma'am I was. Your son and I fell in love, soon after I arrived almost two years ago now. I loved him with the whole of my heart and he me." Mrs. Carson observed that Elsie's eyes shone bright when she spoke of her son, the very idea of that soothed her greatly. "We were engaged to be married well before little Charlie was ever thought of."

Mrs. Carson nodded she knew much of this but was testing Elsie to see if she told the same story as her son. She was pleased to find that she did.

"But explain to me," Mrs. Carson continued, still confused. "Why didn't he acknowledge this boy that's very clearly his? And why not marry a woman he told me he loved? You may've come here with nothing, and with my grandchild in your arms…. but the man that left you like this… _that_ is not my son."

"No, no ma'am it is not." Elsie acknowledged.

"Then, what say you, child?" She swallowed hard. Mrs. Carson was very emotional about this and trying not to come off as being angry with Elsie. She knew it seemed that way and sensed the younger woman's fear.

"Mrs. Carson I came because I thought he'd be here! You see…that day…that day that he came to see you, when he left well…that was the last time I ever saw him." Elsie whispered, burying her face in her son's hair as she continued to cry.


	5. The Very Thought of Him, Part II

Ch 5- The Very Thought of Him, Part II

"I'm sorry to do this my girl." Mrs. Carson said, affixing a cap to baby Charlie's nearly baldhead. "But it's for your own good."

Several days had passed and Mrs. Carson was helping prepare Elsie to set off on the next part of her journey. The baby sucked on his hand, understanding that he and his mother were going somewhere once again. He was upset about this: he liked his grandmother's home and didn't want to leave it. Mrs. Carson had offered to keep the baby while she went ahead… just till things were settled. But Elsie refused. She trusted the woman now, but wouldn't allow anything to potentially separate her from her baby.

"I- I know I have to but I don't want to now." She said of her trip.

She'd been ruminating over it for months, but now that the truth had come out, Elsie was terrified of going back, more so than she had been before.

"You have to face it Elsie." Mrs. Carson continued, helping the younger woman button her coat. "Otherwise the whole truth will never come out. And what good would it be if only you and I and Mrs. Lee knew the truth."

"None I suppose. What if I face it and the wrong truth comes out?"

Mrs. Carson stared back able to tell Elsie was panicked inside and unsure of herself. She would be too. Elsie's story was horrific and nothing short of a giant mistake… if you could call something so carefully plotted out by a vengeful woman _engineered_.

"Don't worry about that for now. Our Charlie will know the truth when he hears it, and when he sees the lad, don't you think?"

Elsie nodded, tears in her eyes as she started crying again. She couldn't handle the notion that Charlie wouldn't accept the baby… or that he wouldn't want to see her. God only knew what he now believed of her and her character.

"Don't fret child you're the woman he loves, don't forget that. Charlie is a loyal man." Elsie paused in surprise when Mrs. Carson kissed her cheek. She leaned down and kissed baby Charlie too. "You take good care of your Mum, you hear? Help her find your Daddy. Now Elsie, take heart… "

"I'm trying my best but its breaking Mrs. Carson. I don't know what I'll do if I don't find Charlie or if he doesn't…" She was about to say, 'if he denies Charlie, or if he doesn't love me' but couldn't bear to.

"There's something you're not saying…" She guessed and Elsie nodded.

"I- I've been on the verge of having to give him up, and Mrs. Carson I'd do anything, _**anything**_ I can't give up my baby." Elsie held Charlie close. The older woman sighed.

"You know I don't have the resources to care for you."

Elsie nodded and the older woman sighed. "If you can't make him understand come back here. I don't know how but I can keep Charlie while you work, you won't have a husband but you'll have a mother-in-law and that helps."

Mrs. Carson knew she would've been aided greatly in society if only she'd had even distant relations. Elsie opened her mouth about to protest, knowing this was a lot for the older woman to take on, but Mrs. Carson spoke again.

"I can not loose the child either. I won't allow you to be separated or for you to fall into ruin. Besides it won't happen, I promise my son will want to keep the two of you to himself."

Elsie smiled, leaning over to kiss the other woman's cheek, tears in her eyes.

"I hope you're right. You've helped me more in the past three days than anyone in the past year and a half." She sobbed. "God bless you, I promise either way, Charlie and I will come back."

Elsie made her way to the station in the rain, her baby boy snug in her arms. She boarded the train with great trepidation, snuggling the boy and trying to remember that she was doing this for his sake and not her own. Part of her though, couldn't help but think about the Charlie Carson who'd swept her off her feet. She couldn't say how much she longed for that man, in everyway you could long for someone. She tried to put it out of her mind, looking down now at her baby as they sat in the car. They didn't get a private space this time and she sat him on her lap and pulled out a toy from her tiny bag for him to play with.

"Thank you Charlie." She whispered as he looked over the toy, it was one of only two he had. "For being the only person who keeps Mummy going."

…

December 1900- Downton, Yorkshire

"No, no, no this can't be happening." Elsie cried, sticking her fingers in her hair as she paced he length of her bedroom. "Oh yes, yes it can."

Elsie groaned as she sunk into her bed, allowing her face to fall into her hands in shame as she started to cry. She didn't know what the feeling was really. If it was shame, disgust or fear. It was certainly one of those things, perhaps all of them fused with absolute love and a deep seeded excitement. Pregnant. She was pregnant. She hadn't even given thought to getting pregnant.

It was her day off and she'd just returned from seeing a doctor in York. She'd lied of course, and told him she was a Mrs. Smith from Ripon, not a supposedly respectful servant from Downton. She'd first suspected her condition days earlier when she'd begun to get sick and her appetite had changed quite drastically. She'd dismissed it at first, figuring it was a bug. But once both conditions became so acute she could not hide them from Mrs. Lee she decided to seek medical attention. Just yesterday, for example, her morning sickness made it hard for her to work and she suspected everyone caught on. She was wrong, only the person who'd mattered had caught on.

The normally calm woman was frantic at the news. This was Charlie's baby. He liked everything to be proper and this was anything but. Would he throw her out and deny the child once he discovered that she was ruined? What would she do if he did? Elsie's mind swam and she was devastated about the idea that she'd have to tell him and possibly loose him forever. At the same time the whole thing was a source of great internal conflict for her: _this was Charlie's baby_ whom she loved with all her heart and soul. She was tickled to have it and to have it with him, why shouldn't he be too?

…

"Come in." The butler's voice thundered.

He looked up, smiling suddenly when Elsie shut the door behind her.

"Oh I'm so glad it's you." He smiled.

She was apprehensive enough as it was but almost left when he first answered, his voice sounding harsh and unforgiving. He sighed.

"I'm afraid I have some rather bad news."

"Oh?!" She asked quickly.

"My mother has taken ill, _very ill_."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"I shall have to go tend to her." He sighed again.

"Y-you, leave, now?"

"Yes now. Tonight. It's a bad time of year for it too." He reflected, pausing for a moment before continuing. "I'd wanted to spend a good first Christmas with a certain someone as well." He eyed her carefully, noting she seemed upset.

"What if I came and helped?"

"No. It's out of the question."

"But…"

"No. We couldn't manage it. What would we tell people?" Elsie looked down, shamed when he asked this. If he was worried about how they'd tell people she was going to help care for his ailing mother, then what would he say of her pregnancy? He continued. "Mother wouldn't mind, nor would I. I would love for you to come, but Downton couldn't spare you and I don't know what excuse we'd give love."

Elsie nodded, tears running down her cheeks. She didn't look up at him but he caught that she was crying in an instant.

"How long will you be gone?" She questioned uncomfortably.

"Indefinitely. Until she's better… My love do not worry I'll be back." He smiled, encircling her frame in a warm hug. He kissed the top of her head.

Elsie was so scared at this point. She was pregnant, he was leaving and she could not come along. She'd not even told him yet and she felt abandoned already.

"I love you Mrs. Hughes. You know I will return."

"Charlie?" She asked. By this time he'd pulled her fully into his embrace, her tear stained face rested against his chest. He rocked her a little, trying to soothe her, thinking she was just crying because she'd miss him over the holidays.

"Perhaps in the spring, I could take you and…"

"Charlie you need to listen to me." She said, her ear pressed against his heart. She heard it stop its regular machinations for a moment when she said this, thudding faster at her warning.

"Go on." He said a little more sternly. Carson held his breath, hoping she wasn't done with him.

Elsie took a deep breath. It felt wrong for this part to be so ill rehearsed it was the most important thing she'd probably ever say to him. She stopped for a moment, her morning sickness unexpectedly rearing its ugly head. She took another deep breath, this time through her nose, trying hard to keep from throwing up all over him. He didn't understand what was going on, but knew she was upset. He ran his fingers through her hair and kissed the back of her head gently.

"Charlie. I'm pregnant."

She felt him let go of her, shove her off of him in fact, when she said this. He stared back at her, his eyes cold as ice. Her heart sunk, tears pooling in her eyes again. He was such a loving man; part of her really hadn't thought he'd do this. She swallowed nervously, struggling not to throw up as she backed toward the door, reality hitting her. It was just a few moments, but it seemed like ages. Her mind raced with desperation now and she wondered how she'd manage alone, with a babe, they'd be destitute. She put her hand on the doorknob, but Charlie reached out in that moment and collected her in his arms, yanking her back.

He leaned down and began to kiss her, caressing her lips with his own. She was confused but couldn't help but melt into the kiss despite how ill she felt and how worried she was.

'Good-bye Mrs. Hughes; I'll accept your resignation _**now**_.' She'd expected him to say.

Instead he took her face in his hands and looked down into her tear-filled eyes, studying them deeply. He understood, in an instant, why she'd been so upset when he said he was leaving. Still, he was in shock himself and didn't know what to say so he didn't for a moment.

"You're…we're?"

She nodded. "Please my Charlie, don't be angry with me."

"Angry with you. My love how could I be angry? This is not your fault or your doing: it is ours. I must admit I'm…. I don't know what to do but…a child. I never ever thought of you and I having a child. I'm…"

"I'm stunned." She'd never thought of it either.

"Yes. Stunned." He said. Her heard raced she still didn't know how he felt.

"What will we do?" She pled, having hoped he'd have a solution.

"I must go to my mother. I don't know how I could leave you now, but I have to. While I am gone, I will think of a plan."

"I can't… I can't get rid of it."

"No, no love. You mistake me when I say plan. I should also never want to part with our child."

She smiled deeply when he said this.

"I'm stunned. I love you and I don't know what we'll do but it would seem the child is destiny, an answer to our prayer and a way for us to be together sooner rather than later."

Elsie laughed, unable to hide her relief. "So, you might love your baby?"

"I'll love my baby and his mother all my days. And I'll make sure we become a family. Don't you worry about that." He promised. She wrapped her arms around him as he leaned in to kiss her again.

….

December 1901

Elsie buried her face on top of her son's head, finding that she couldn't think of Charlie without crying. She shook, holding the baby tight as the train barreled forward, inching closer to her destination and to the ultimate truth she and her son would have to live. She dried her tears and looked down at her infant son who rested happily in her arms, still playing with his toy and blissfully unaware of that they were about to go and do. She envied him more than she could possibly say.

She was nervous and terribly afraid, more so than she thought she'd ever been. She didn't even know how she'd find the strength, the boldness to do this but that she had to. Everything hinged on her courage.

"This will be it Charlie. No more wondering after today lad." She whispered as the train pulled into the station.

…

Carson stood firm, his hands behind his back as he stared out the abbey's paned glass windows. The rain poured ferociously, turning the crisp green lawn to a sea of mud. Looking at the man you'd never know how troubled he really was. He remained professional and poised at all times even though his heart was broken.

Looking back, he knew he should've handled it all differently and taken Elsie to his mother's with him whether anyone liked it or not. He'd left her at the worst possible time, and as such _he'd_ made a grave mistake, one he was sure he'd regret for the rest of his days. And one he knew his love and his baby were out there somewhere paying for.

He'd returned to Downton in January, almost eight weeks after leaving and two weeks from the time he'd last heard from Elsie. She'd last written and said she was growing quickly and couldn't conceal it much longer. He'd hurried back to her as fast as he could only to discover she was already gone. He did not really know what had happened or why she left because no one had seen fit to tell him. He wondered though, if his having left had put more doubt in her mind and given her the chance to flee. Mrs. Lee seemed to hint she'd left on her own volition and the family, who'd liked Elsie was just as perplexed as he.

The first few months were hard and he spent nearly every waking moment agonizing over why she'd left him. The nights were worse. He spent them sleeplessly and without a semblance of peace, nearly going mad several times. It was only little Lady Mary's concern and affection toward him that kept him balanced. Once he overcame his initial depression he poured money and time he didn't have trying to find Elsie. But with no idea of where she'd gone, and without her getting a job, he came up empty handed and eventually gave up hope only coming to understand that wherever she was she was destitute and untraceable.

As the months passed he started to worry less about her and more about the child who was slowly coming to life inside her. Whether or not she wanted him or returned his love, that was still _**his**_ child and he still had a right to it and wanted it. When summer came and he hadn't found them he began mourning the loss of the baby, knowing it was time for him or her to be born. He hated that he'd not have the privilege of holding it; of knowing whether he'd had a son or a daughter… of even knowing if the child and its mother were alright. Even if he could know that much it would soothe his soul greatly.

He sighed, his heart heavy as he watched the rain. It'd been a year to the day since he'd last seen her on the night she'd nervously told him she was expecting his child. She'd been so scared, why hadn't he done something more to reassure her? Why couldn't he have been bold or brave about her news and done something to make her feel secure? Like taking her upstairs and telling the family he was marrying her as soon as he got back. He sighed, hindsight always seemed like twenty-twenty and while he knew, realistically, that he could've never done those things he wished to God he would've taken a chance on it and been bolder. He wished he would've even let her see him off, and put him on the train like she had wanted. Even minutes more with his Elsie would've counted for so much.

In recent days, he found his angst about his child and the woman he loved had mostly begun to turn toward a deep-seeded bitterness, but today all he could feel was pain. He loved her still and saw her smile when he closed his eyes. Moreover he was worried sick about the child he knew nothing of. 'Is my little girl freezing to death?' He often wondered. 'Is my son starving? Is he even with his mother now?'

Knowing they must have nothing, Carson had to consider the possibility that she'd given up the child, something he'd said he wouldn't allow and she'd said she couldn't handle doing. It was at this point that his mind would always go to the darkest place and he started to wonder if they were even alive.

All these thoughts came to Carson many, many times a day and most of the time he couldn't stomach them. They made him angry or frantic. Today, however, he simply wanted to loose all composure and cry. He was heavily burdened and wished he could share his worries with someone, anyone. But he was all alone in this; he alone he must be, after all wherever Elsie was it was the same for her.

Carson felt a single tear slip down his cheek as he stared outside. He didn't know he was being watched, surveyed carefully by a pair of concerned blue eyes. Cora and Robert had known something was wrong with Carson for months. No matter how hard he tried to conceal it, they'd understood he wasn't the same man they'd grown to treasure. And while they couldn't pinpoint the problem they understood that he was crushed and were trying to find a way to help.

Cora was about to say something to him, he was late in ringing the dinner gong after all but she didn't have the heart to interrupt when he seemed to be lost in his thoughts. She sighed sadly, deciding to leave the obviously burdened man alone and go ring the gong herself.


	6. The Very Thought of Her, Part I

Ch 6- The Very Thought Of Her, Part I

Downton Abbey, December 1901

"It'll be alright my tiny love, whatever comes." Elsie whispered to her son, taking a deep breath as she knocked on Downton's back door.

It was raining now, and so cold it almost hurt to inhale. Elsie paused, her lungs and heart heavy as she watched her breath dance in the air, stopping when it hit the frosty glass window. She watched silently, shaking in her boots as her baby's breath also met the cold air. It was one thing to house his life within her, to feel his breath on her shoulder, but to see his very breath seemed, especially now, an awesome reminder of the value of his tiny life. Whatever would come, she'd endure it for Charlie, and it would be worth it. Elsie felt her stomach tighten at once, swallowing nervously when the door flung open.

"Good Lord look at the weather, I have half a mind to haaaaa!" Beryl gasped.

The cook had answered the door in fighting mode; wondering who could be dumb enough to come out in weather like this. She was stunned and her eyes pooled with tears the minute she realized it was Elsie and without another thought pulled the other woman inside the house and into a hug. Elsie wrapped her arms tightly around her old friend and let herself sigh. It'd been too long since she'd been in the arms of someone she loved. Beryl removed the soaking wet blanket (that mostly hid Charlie) from Elsie's shoulders.

"Where've you been I've been worried sick I… Mrs. Hughes?" She asked confused, noting the baby in her arms. "That's a baby."

"Yes Mrs. Patmore, he is a baby." Elsie was a bit nervous now, wondering if she too would turn her away. Beryl paused for a moment.

"Haaaa, so that's why she sacked ya?"

"Yes…" Elsie hesitated.

"Well good heavens come in and let me see him!" She cried excitedly, taking Elsie's hand and pulling her into the kitchen.

Elsie was comforted, engulfed in the warmth of Downton's kitchen in an instant, and overwhelmed by the scent of the decadent meal that was almost finished cooking. Her stomach rumbled before she could stop it, catching Beryl's ear.

"You're skin and bones!" She observed sadly, Elsie put her head down again, saying nothing. "Well I suppose I'll have to fatten you up!"

"I don't think it's a good idea that Mrs. Lee see me..."

"Mrs. Lee who threw ya out."

"Yes…" She said slowly.

"I don't give a sow's ear about her and neither will Mr. Carson, he'll be thrilled to see you and so would Lady Grantham, now let me see that baby!" She cried eagerly, excitedly reaching out to hold him.

Elsie handed the baby over, much less anxious with her than she'd been with Carson's mother. The baby fussed a little, confused that yet another strange lady was holding him. He looked back at Elsie as he cried.

"Oh, what's the matter sweet boy?" Beryl asked, watching as Elsie sat down, clearly exhausted.

"He knows no one but me, so he's a bit afraid of new people."

"I'm not new, I'm your Auntie Beryl!" She looked confused. "I'll be your godmother, how about that wee lad, well, he's not so wee now is he? He's kind of a big little fellow isn't he?" She laughed, kissing the baby's cheek. He looked back at her, confused trying to suck on his hand.

"I'd love for you to be his godmother." Elsie laughed, relieved by the suggestion.

"You look tired." She said, bouncing the boy in her arms.

"I'm exhausted Mrs. Patmore."

"And ya look hungry." Elsie merely nodded. "And ya look filthy."

"Thank you for noticing." Elsie laughed again.

Beryl paused, studying her friend as she rubbed her eyes. She wondered where she'd been for the past few months, and moreover, who the father of the child was but decided not to ask, not for now.

"Mrs. Lee's in town. How about you go up, take a bath and climb into your old bed. I'll bring dinner and…what's his name?"

Elsie stopped suddenly, realizing she couldn't admit the baby's name was Charlie, it would give it all away if the child's face hadn't already.

"Bretton." She lied. "Bretton Hughes."

"Well hello Brett." She shook the baby's tiny hand. "Auntie Beryl is pleased to meet you."

Elsie watched her son, surprised at how quickly he'd adjusted to Mrs. Patmore compared with his grandmother.

"Mrs. Patmore I'm exhausted and starving but are you sure that…"

"You're my best friend. I've been worried sick about you for months, and on top of that you look as if you're about to catch the death of you. Please I'm begging you because I care about you, go take care of yourself. I'll take care of your lad, good care, and I'll protect you from Mrs. Sow's ear."

"Thank you Mrs. Patmore." She whispered, smiling gratefully.

Elsie frightfully made her way up the backstairs to the servants' quarters; first to have a bath and Beryl lifted Charlie high above her head, causing him to giggle. He liked and trusted Mrs. Patmore instantly. Something in the boy's face changed when he laughed and it caught Beryl's eye.

"Well I'll be…" She paused, whispering to the baby. "You're not Mr. Hughes, you're little Mr. Carson, aren't ya?"

…

Carson jumped when the gong rang. Called to attention, he made his way down the stairs, just passing Elsie as she went up on the other side.

Baby Charlie looked back at Beryl from his place on the kitchen counter, his little eyes wide. She'd handed him an orange to play with, figuring it wouldn't hurt him and he could chew on it and play with it like a ball. He babbled as he banged it on the counter. Beryl continued with her work, saying nothing at first as she watched Carson pass.

"My it's uncanny isn't it lad? Er, Mr. Carson." She whispered, looking from the baby to him. She jumped when Carson walked into the room and stood at attention at once.

"Dinner will be served at…" Carson stopped cold in his tracks, his heart almost stopping when he saw a baby, sitting on Beryl's counter. He paused for a moment, wondering if he was seeing things. "Mrs. Patmore is that…."

"A baby?"

"Yes." He swallowed nervously.

"Yes it is."

"Well what is it doing _here_ and in with the food?"

"It's not an it it's a boy." She said restlessly.

Part of her was disgusted with him, but wasn't sure if she should be. Even though she knew he'd missed Mrs. Hughes terribly it was still a surprise to her that they had been together in the first place… at least until she thought about it a little longer, in which case she realized they seemed a perfect match. Nonetheless, she didn't know the dynamics of their relationship and wondered if it had been a great love affair or just a one-time thing.

Had he had turned Elsie and the baby out when he discovered she was pregnant? Did he even know about the baby? Was he the cheated party? Beryl's mind swam and she paused for a moment trying to grapple with the shock of it all. Once she had a moment to herself, she would realize she understood the fullness of the story, of what had really happened, every little nuance of it. She would be the only one of them to have that advantage for a while.

"Well whose boy is it?" He asked grumpily as the baby began to fuss.

"He's my friend's lad, I'm just watching him for a while."

"During the dinner hour really Mrs. Patmore, I…"

"Never mind that." She said, picking up the baby and stuffing him into the butler's unprepared arms.

Carson wanted to protest. He had no desire to hold this child when his was out there somewhere without him and he'd never have the chance to know it or hold it in this way. Beryl struggled with what to say now, part of her wanted to yell 'it's your son, dummy,' another wanted to point him upstairs to Elsie's old quarters and tell him that that was where he could return the child to his mother. Instead she held her tongue, simply asking him to watch the lad while she finished the elaborate meal.

…..

Carson was busy but took the baby back to his pantry with him and sat him on the desk. Baby Charlie found himself a bit distressed again when parted with Mrs. Patmore, whom he liked, and cried for a moment panicked that his mummy wasn't there to say this was all right. Who was this strange man taking him into the other room? The baby was unfamiliar with men as he spent all of his time with women and as a result, was scared to death of Carson at first.

"Shu, shu little lad, your Auntie Beryl's just a bit busy at the moment." He pat the boy's back.

Carson's heart sunk. Somewhere his own baby was about this age and he was missing out on this time with him or her and probably always would. Seeing Lord Grantham with his little girls had been something that was especially painful or him over the past ten or eleven months, but now, having to hold a baby the same age as his own, well it was like rubbing salt in a bloodied, festering sore.

Even so, he sat down with the child; wondering if his baby was anything like him. Baby Charlie still fussed a bit and Carson sat him on the edge of his desk, holding him by the hips to make sure he sat up and didn't fall over. The little boy chewed anxiously on his hand, slobbering everywhere with toothless little gums, hopelessly looking up at the strange man for comfort.

"It's alright tiny lad." He whispered.

Baby Charlie was transfixed by Carson's eyes and booming voice. He stared up at him as he chewed, seeming to adjust to his presence. Carson would never know that the boy sensed something familiar in him that soothed him deep down.

"Can I tell you a secret?" He confided. The baby didn't answer, just continuing to chew on his hand as he stared back at Carson intently, raising a tiny eyebrow in a mannerism that Carson didn't recognize as belonging to him.

"I have my own child out there somewhere, he or she is about your age. And I'd be honored if he were half as cute a baby as you." He said, tickling the boy's cheek.

Charlie giggled like crazy, the laugh sort of bittersweet for Carson who ached to hear his own child's laugh. Baby Charlie shoved both of his hands as far into his mouth as he could, still laughing at Carson's, having tickled him. It was then that something in the child's smile caught Carson's eye something, simple or even slight and he could swear in an instant that he saw his Elsie stare right back at him. Carson shook his head; figuring without question that he was seeing things.

…

About an hour later, dinner was underway upstairs and Elsie found herself in her old room with her baby son, waiting for Beryl to sneak them something to eat. Charlie played quietly on the bed with the few toys he owned and Elsie paced the room in her stocking feet, her thudding heart keeping pace with her steps. Elsie was amazed that all her things were still there in the room. She'd been rushed out without notice, without a character and without the opportunity to gather most of her belongings. Because of Mrs. Lee, she'd left Downton with nearly nothing but the clothes on her back and the babe she carried inside, which was part of the reason she and the child had nothing in Scotland: her things were still at Downton. She was more than nervous now and couldn't believe that she'd finally come back there and was awaiting her fate.

'Oh please want me.' She whispered of Carson, crossing her arms in such a way that she seemed to hug herself. 'Please want my lad.' She added, looking at Charlie as he chewed on one of the stuffed toys.

Elsie jumped when there was a knock at her door and went to answer, figuring it was Beryl.

"M-Mrs. Lee." She stammered as the woman grabbed her harshly by her ear. "Ohhh!" Elsie cried out.

"I don't know who let you and your good for nothing little bastard in here." She urged, twisting Elsie's ear as she tried to fight back.

Mrs. Lee was much bigger than Elsie and she found herself no match for her strength. The commotion caught Charlie's attention at once and he started to cry, worried about what this woman was doing to his mommy and why she was crying.

"Mr. Carson doesn't want anything to do with you or the boy; he told me so flat out." She barked, pushing Elsie and finally letting go of her now very sore, red ear. Elsie put her head down, cupping her ear in her hand as she cried.

"Downton is no place for a common whore like you, you're a disgrace to women everywhere and that… _**thing**_ …"

"He's a tiny baby, he's at no fault here." She sobbed as she went to pick up her screaming little boy.

"He's a little bastard full of sin that one is. Damned to hell and you with him."

"And I suppose Mr. Carson's heaven-bound and at no fault here?"

"Well, while he is a butler, Mr. Carson is still a gentleman's gentleman. He has a page in Burke's you know, quite sad…" She paused, and Elsie, still holding her ear, wondered what this met. "And gentlemen like him, _Miss_ Hughes, use women like you for a good time and nothing more." She laughed.

Elsie's heart skipped a beat, part of her wondering if there could be any truth to this.

"Now on your feet or I'll put you on your feet, and out with you, the pair of you have no place mucking up a house like this."

Tears streamed down Elsie's cheeks as she collected her son and his things into her arms. Mrs. Lee reached in to try to hurry things along but Elsie looked back, an intense anger in her eyes repelled the housekeeper.

"Don't you dare touch my son!" She growled.

"I wouldn't dream of touching the little bastard." She sneered.

"He's my miracle, call me what you like, but leave my lad alone, he's an infant have you no shame?"

"You're the one who has no shame."

"You're the one with no heart and no standards." Elsie cringed, the woman slapping her across the face.

Within seconds, Mrs. Lee grabbed Elsie's ear again, having allowed her just enough time to gather some of their things and put on a coat and shoes, and pushed her out the door, down the hall and down the stairs. Charlie screamed and Elsie's mind raced. She couldn't be pushed out again, not without Carson turning her away himself. She'd come too far and this was her last chance. Just as they were about to enter the kitchen, Elsie bolted from the woman's grasp and made her way upstairs, Mrs. Lee at her heals, trying desperately to snatch Elsie's skirt and pull her back.

It took everything in Elsie, who'd never been a good runner, to stay ahead of the much larger, more agile housekeeper, but she managed to do it, bursting straight through the dining room doors in one swift motion. The dinner party of twelve and all of their servers stopped collectively, turning to stare when she appeared so suddenly, and so very loudly. A few of the guests mumbled to each other about how inappropriate this was but Cora seemed excited and Carson was stunned.

"Miss Hughes! You're back!" She burst, ignoring the fact that she was holding a baby. Robert was also perplexed but elected not to say a thing.

"I do apologize, this one is a little out of sorts and…" Mrs. Lee began.

Elsie and Carson had found each other's eyes the moment she came in the room, each staring back at the other, searching for answers, a hint of longing still present within them both. His heart had swelled with love and joy when she'd entered the room, but he was stunned to see her and to see her this way. She was starved, bone thin and worn down to nothing, the thought of it brought tears to her eyes. He'd known his love would have to be in this state and it pained him he'd been right. He also realized, within an instant that the baby he'd been caring for earlier was his own, the child he'd thought he'd never meet and his heart leapt at the sudden realization that that was his baby. He was alright and a son and there with him!

Elsie stared back at him longingly and out of breath, everyone simply watching them. Her heart sank as she waited for him to speak to claim her, to save her but he did not. Carson was beyond shocked and didn't know what to do or how to go about it, he couldn't claim her, not here could he?

"Come along Miss Hughes, NOW. You've caused enough damage for one evening. I'm sorry m'lady." Mrs. Lee emphasized, grabbing Elsie's arm harshly. Cora opened her mouth to protest but was cut off abruptly by Carson.

"Oh, my Elsie!" He cried aloud, causing Elsie to turn back toward him even despite Mrs. Lee's efforts to restrain her. "Let her go _**now**_!" He commanded angrily as everyone else turned to look at him.

'I hadn't bargained for a night at the theatre but this is quite the interesting spectacle.' One of the guests whispered to the other.

He stood up tall, staring straight at Mrs. Lee, seeming to challenge her. Everyone watched him almost entranced and he continued, walking toward them when Mrs. Lee would not let go of Elsie.

"You, Mrs. Lee, will let go of the woman I love, and you _**will**_ do it _**now**_."


	7. Something Quite Different

Ch 7- Something Quite Different

"Charlie!" She cried, as he rushed to her side.

Carson didn't care about formality, or the myriad of guests surrounding Lord Grantham's table or anything else. He rushed to his love's side, wrapping his arm around her and beginning to kiss her. Tears rolled down her cheeks as he kissed her, everyone watching intently, one woman through opera glasses even. He couldn't have chosen a better moment to declare to the world that he wanted and loved her.

"What's the meaning of this?!" Robert questioned, throwing his napkin on the table as he stood. He wasn't angry just confused but Cora understood.

"Mrs. Lee. Mrs. Carson must be tired from her journey." Cora covered, causing Carson, Elsie and Robert to all turn in surprise. "Why don't you go upstairs and get her and the baby settled in."

"V-very well m'lady." Mrs. Lee was stunned and disgusted her heart began to pound with the realization that she would soon be found out.

Elsie and Mrs. Lee left the room and Carson went over to Robert.

"Carson what in the world is going on?" He whispered.

"I'll explain later m'lord, only for now I'll leave the dinner in Timothy's capable hands and go help my _wife_ settle in."

"Very well. She's not _actually_ your wife then is she Carson?" He whispered.

"If it weren't for Mrs. Lee, she would be."

….

"The old broad's going to get what's comin' to her that's what!" Beryl cheered, lifting the baby high up in the air.

"I don't care what happens now." Elsie said, drying her tears. "I know Mr. Carson loves me, he's told the world and that's all that matters."

They were back in her old quarters once again waiting to see what would come of the dinner incident. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

"Come in!" Mrs. Patmore called.

The door opened slowly and there stood Carson. He smiled with his whole being, tears filled his eyes and he just stared back at Elsie. Beryl talked a mile a minute not noticing the couple staring and blushing as they cried.

"Well I'll leave you two love birds to be!" She cried kissing the baby and placing him back in Elsie's arms. Beryl barely stopped talking as she excused herself. The couple paused another moment longer till he spoke.

"My Elspeth! You're here, and you're alright and you did want me after all!"

"Oh my love; I didn't think you wanted me!" She cried as he stepped forward.

"I'll always want you all my days my Elsie." He said tears in his eyes as he leaned down to kiss her again. Both were crying when they pulled apart. "I've been so worried about you: every second of every day and my boy. I've been worried all this time that I'd never get to see my baby, I've been so scared that he's starving or you gave him up, or…"

Elsie quieted his fears, her lips sinking into his once again, the baby watching carefully.

"We've been very hungry, my Mr. Carson, and poor and freezing. All because when you were gone, Mrs. Lee found me out, about the baby and made me leave and later told you and everyone else here lies about why I did so. There are many times when giving him up seemed the best option, but I couldn't give him up. I love him far too much and I will never give him up."

"He's perfect." He observed the boy, tears in his eyes. He cupped the baby's cheek in his hand. The baby didn't mind, silently thinking to himself that he liked Carson, whoever he was. "Hello my boy." He said his eyes filling with tears again. "My lovely little boy. Oh Elsie we have a son!"

"Yes, we have a wonderful, beautiful son!" She sobbed.

"And my Elsie you're skin and bones." He remarked, crying about this too, choking on his words and she nodded.

"It's taken everything I've had to feed and clothe your lad and try to keep him warm too."

"Oh my Elsie. My Elsie I'm so sorry. I will take care of you now, for all the rest of my life I'll care for you. Bretton will we…"

"No, no. Its Charlie the lad's name is Charlie Hughes. Look my Charlie my love, it's Daddy we found him! We finally found him!"

"Y-you named him for me?" His heart skipped a beat.

"Of course I did. I was in hospital in Glasgow and the minute I saw his eyes I saw you and all was alright after months of being so afraid: and so he too had to be Charlie."

"My Elspeth I'm so sorry." He cried. "I looked for you, in every way I could with time and money I did not have. I've missed you so much. C-can I hold my boy?" He asked nervously.

"Yes. Charlie look it's your Daddy." She whispered, the baby whimpered slightly as he was transferred into his father's arms. "Look it's Daddy."

Carson said nothing as his baby was placed in his arms. "You're a miracle my boy." The butler started to cry, pulling Elsie into his embrace too.

"Charlie I wanted you to know nothing matters to me more than you and our boy, I don't care if we're thrown out or where we live or anything else."

"Oh Elise they won't throw us out."

"Your mother didn't seem to think so but…"

"My mother?"

"Mrs. Lee told me you'd left the abbey before she sacked me. I wasn't sure I believed her but I went and found your mother and we stayed with her the last few days before coming here: she fed us and let me have my first sleep, practically my first sleep since before he was born. She told me to come back if things didn't work out here, first she said she couldn't keep me, then she said she would anyway: that Charlie and I could live there with her."

"My mother loved the idea of you." He was touched now, glad his love and baby had met his mother. "I am so glad she knows you now. Elsie why didn't you return sooner?"

"I was hurt and poor and have been saving for the fare, and for the strength to do this: physically, emotionally. The way Mrs. Lee talked… I thought for sure you wouldn't be here and if you were, you'd throw me out. For another matter, it was a hard birth, which is how I ended up in the hospital, instead of having him delivered by my neighbor who was a midwife."

"A-a hard birth?" He inquired, seeming disturbed by the information.

"So hard I had a will drawn up, that said that he be sent back to Downton Abbey, to you, his father, or to Mrs. Patmore with a note saying who he was. I didn't come back sooner because I was too weak, too poor, too afraid and he too tiny."

"Oh my Elsie, you're such a brave woman and I'll always want you no matter what! And I always have!" He cried, a fresh batch of tears springing up in his eyes. "I'm so thankful you're here, and you're alright!"

"Oh Charlie, you don't know what it means to hear you say that!" She started to sob and he leaned into kiss her, silencing her cries.

"I love you so much, and I know you're tired my love. I'd love to spend time with you, in private but we will have plenty of that later, for now we must retreat downstairs to see Lord and Lady Grantham. They need to speak with us."

"Charlie if they throw me out…"

"They will not throw my lovely bride into the cold nor will I ever let her go again."

….

"Mrs. Hughes!" Elsie was surprised that Cora stood and embraced her when she came into the room. "Why look at you! Isn't he so tiny!" Cora squealed, looking at baby Charlie.

"He's six months your ladyship. His name is Charlie."

Lord Grantham looked over, watching her and the baby carefully. Elsie wasn't sure if his expression was one of disapproval or awe, maybe somewhere in between.

"Please, do sit." Cora encouraged. "Would you like some tea?"

Elsie hesitantly sat at her former employer's side. "Y-yes please."

"Mrs. Hughes, Elsie, if I may?" Lord Grantham asked.

"Y-yes m'lord."

"Carson will you tell her or shall I?" He asked. Elsie's heart began to pound at the realization that they had been keeping something from her.

"I think you best do it m'lord. You explain it without as many emotional attachments."

"Charlie?" Elsie asked, panic in her voice. She paused when Cora took her hand.

"Mrs. Hughes, who do you think you're holding there?" Robert inquired.

Elsie bristled at the strange question, holding her son tight and pulling him in closer, fear gripping her immediately. Charlie was confused by all the strange new surroundings and looked around every which way as he chewed on his rattle.

"M-m'lord he's my six month old baby boy he's…"

"You are holding my heir." Robert corrected.

"W-what? I can't be hearing this right…."

"Elsie..." Carson began.

"Is this why she said you had a page in Burke's… that you're a gentlemen's gentlemen?"

"Well yes…" Carson paused.

She gulped. "Is it why she said men like you just use women like me?" She asked, tears springing to her eyes as she felt Cora squeeze her hand supportively.

Elsie's heart thundered in fear. She didn't know what was going on; but she had the feeling they were going to take her son from her, and oust her out which, for her, would be the worst possible scenario imaginable.

"Please, please don't take my lad from me." She begged, holding him close. "Please I'll do whatever you like just don't separate my lad from me!"

"Oh, no no!" Cora tried to soothe.

Robert looked back at her, empathy in his gaze, but Elsie didn't notice: she was too busy peering into Carson's kindhearted eyes, wondering what he'd kept from her and why.

"This is why I didn't just leave with you when you told me you were having him, and I'm sorry." Carson apologized. "I would've liked to have done just that."

"Please tell me what's going on here?" She asked, crying harder now.

"Carson's father was my father's illegitimate brother." Robert began.

"And because we don't have a little boy of our own, and only a boy can inherit..." Cora added.

"Your son is the closest, and youngest male relative, my second cousin, making him my sole heir to the title and estate."

Elsie was stunned and said nothing staring straight forward at Carson for explanation.

"My Elsie, I only didn't tell you because well, no one downstairs knows who I really am. Even though I have a page in Burke's it's all handled very quietly… My father was not a good man, like his father before him, he ran off on my mother. The Crawley's have taken care of me since I was a boy. I was planning on telling you all of it once we wed. I'm the butler, well because that's just what life had allotted for me, but him…it's a reason I didn't say much other than: 'we'll figure it out,' when you told me you were expecting a baby. I immediately began to think of what life, and the family would hold for him."

"Yes, I'm afraid life has something quite different allotted for your son than what you might've expected, Elsie." Robert said matter of factly. "Charlie will be a gentleman. He will attend the best schools…"

"I know this must be quite a shock." Cora added when Elsie still stared and said nothing.

"But m'lord…" Elsie interrupted. "How can he inherit when…"

"Cousins of far lower rank inherit all the time." Robert laughed. "No doubt there will be some talk but I think the lad will make a fine heir, Carson?"

"And I think he makes a fine son and his mother, a wonderful bride."

….

Something inside Elsie gave her the urge to bolt; to run back to Mrs. Carson, or even to her own overburdened mother where perhaps she should've gone initially. But instead she allowed Carson to return to her quarters with her, make love to her and discuss their wedding plans.

"Elsie I'm sorry I know you feel betrayed. It's the last thing on earth I wanted to have happen." He said. "I really was going to tell you, just after we were wed, and I really expected you'd be here when I returned so I could explain." He said, reaching up to dry her freshly flowing tears, she turned away.

Elsie looked over at her baby son, who lay fast asleep in a drawer, wondering what life really held for her tiny boy. Just hours before he'd been a destitute, fatherless child, and now he was to become Lord Grantham, it just did not seem right somehow and Elsie did feel, as he'd phrased it, betrayed.

"You were still planning to marry me and tell me, before there was a Charlie?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Oh Elsie. I've loved you from the moment I set eyes on you. I've ached without you and looked for you tirelessly. I…"

Carson stopped and Elsie jumped when the baby began to cry. She moved to get him but Carson did it instead.

"Oh my lad there's a boy it's not too bad." He soothed, rocking the baby in his arms as he brought him to her.

Without a word, Elsie took Charlie and began to nurse him.

"My heart's healed because you're here." He continued. "Of course I want you, baby or no. I always have."

Charlie suckled quietly, clinging to his mother's skin, not letting on that he was scared. All the new activities, people, surroundings and noises were terrifying for the little boy and he found his mother the most soothing thing in the world especially in that moment.

"Elsie I understand but… please don't' be mad at me. I'm not my father or his father. I love my love and my boy so much. Please understand I'm in a hard situation too, I needed to wait till you were Mrs. Carson to explain." She paused as he started to cry, afraid he could loose her. "Please Elsie. I love you so much it hurts. You'll never be alone again as long as there's breath in my body."

Elsie paused, slowly turning back to her crying fiancé, their son sucking intently at her breast, seeming to listen to the conversation as best he could. She could feel Charlie slip his hand other the baby's head, cradling it carefully as he stared back at her.

"She said there was a reason you'd never abandon your family Mr. Carson." She said, referring to his mother.

"Yes. Because some men like me use women like you, but instead, I'm the man who loves you as if you were part of me." He tried to convince, tears rolling down her cheeks.

Elsie stared back, touched by such a bold statement of love: it won not only her trust back, but her heart all over again. She leaned forward and kissed him deeply, her lips sinking into his.

"We will have a life that's quite different: part upstairs, part down, part a part of this family, and part all our own, but please, with all my heart. Marry me on Sunday Elsie. Be my wife, because I love you and can't loose you again."

"Oh Mr. Carson. I'd like nothing more than to be yours."


	8. Upstairs

Ch 8- Upstairs

"I can scarcely believe you're here." Beryl said, drying her tears with the back of her hand as she cooked.

"Careful, or the pudding will be very salty." Elsie laughed.

Several days had passed since Carson and the family had cornered her with the unusual news that her son was no ordinary baby. She sat in the kitchen now, feeding the baby while Beryl cooked and the maids rushed about. She rocked him in her arms, shushing him, urging him to continue eating. The baby was still a little put off by their surroundings and wondered when they would be returning home, back to the dark, dank hole in the wall in Glasgow. Six-month-old Charlie had no concept of the fact that Downton was his home, and his to inherit.

Elsie smiled as the baby clasped his hand around her finger, squeezing it tight as he closed his eyes. Beryl watched her friend with the baby, touched by how sweet a mother she was. In a sense, it was very odd to see her this way.

"So mummy, where are you going to live now that you're back?"

An elaborate tale about Elsie's whereabouts had been weaved. Among the servants and the rest of the house, only Beryl knew that Carson and Elsie were unmarried. And even though she was Elsie's best friend, she didn't know of Carson's relation to the family, or the baby's probable destiny.

Elsie was glad to be back with the father of her child, the man she loved, but wasn't at all comfortable with the plans that had been made for her son. She'd wanted better for him, but for her that meant freedom, a choice to do what he wanted with his life: something a title and estate surely would not grant. In some way, she was profoundly disappointed. And more than that: afraid. She did not know this kind of life, not well, and feared her son being taken from her in one way or another. Still, she supposed she could not deny him, and by proxy, any other children she and Charlie might have, such a grand future.

"His Lordship is going to obtain a cottage for us." She said.

Robert had wanted something more: for the boy to grow up in the abbey its self. But he'd finally relented, realizing it wasn't practical and instead, he embarked upon finding the family a suitable cottage. Elsie felt pressured by this and sat, absentmindedly rocking her babe, indulging in his smile, knowing that her discomfort would lead to his having a different kind of life. Maybe he wouldn't be free, but he would be lord and master.

"He's a beautiful lad, and he seems to love you so much."

"He's my world." Elsie smiled.

It had been a busy few days: Mrs. Lee had been turned out on her ear, and the wedding plans for Carson and Elsie had swiftly (and secretly) been put in motion. Carson and Elsie were both sleeping her old room, so as not to raise suspicions about their marriage. Everyone assumed Elsie was blissfully happy and she had been. But something about the way she'd be cornered by everyone unsettled her.

They were grander than she, more powerful than she and she felt… trapped. She'd fled here for help and a home and somehow now she couldn't help but think how lucky she'd really been to get away in the first place. Now she had this urge she couldn't shake, to save her son and take him away again: back to Scotland and a family farm where she didn't belong.

But she was torn. She wanted Charlie Carson, more than anything in the world. It wouldn't do to break his heart, and in turn hers too. She knew she'd never love again if she lost him. She'd grow bitter and begin to die inside. But at the same time, she felt repelled by what had been extended to her and the baby. She just couldn't shake it.

"You alright?" Beryl asked.

"Oh. Oh yes." She laughed, sniffling.

"I know you must be overwhelmed. With coming back, and with the wedding and everything." She whispered that part.

"Yes." Elsie laughed. "That's it." It wasn't at all. "He's asleep, I'm going to go and put him down."

Elsie put the baby on her shoulder, covering him with his blanket ready to begin her journey up the backstairs when meant Cora coming through the green baize door.

"Your ladyship?" She asked.

"Hello Mrs. Carson, you're just who I was looking for." She smiled, tickling Charlie's cheek ever so gently as it rested on Elsie's shoulder.

"Oh?"

"Yes. You see we're in need of a new housekeeper. I'd hoped that you might want to…"

"Thank you, m'lady. But with all due respect, I don't want a job unless I've earned it."

"Of course you've earned it!" Cora laughed. "Your wonderful at your job and now that your back you need a new one, don't you? Elsie, I must say this: I'm so sorry if we came on too strong, if we made you uncomfortable."

"Well m'lady…"

"It was overwhelming for me when I joined this family too."

"I'm sure not as much as it's been for me, m'lady."

"I know it's a lot to process. I come from a different world too, one without so much hierarchy, without so many rules." She paused, seeing that Elsie was nervous.

Cora remembered being nearly as nervous and even more foreign than Elsie. At least she was from the same landmass. Truly the lady was a little frustrated, knowing that Elsie didn't quite believe that she could relate.

"I know Robert thinks he's bestowed some great surprise upon you, a welcome one, and so does Carson. But I understand that you're afraid, and skeptical. So please." She squeezed Elsie's hand before turning to leave. "Think about the job and if you need anyone to talk to, come and find me."

…..

Elsie didn't know if she could possibly be more unsettled. She rang her hands with worry as she laid her son down in the cradle that had been brought down from the attic for him. Just a few years earlier it had been occupied by Lady Sybil. Elsie watched him as he slept, wondering what was best truly for him. This way he had his birthright and his mother's love, but not her influence.

"Elsie?" Carson asked, sticking her head in the door.

She looked up shaken, but tried to smile.

"It's settled, we're getting married on Sunday!" He beamed.

"That's good." She nodded, looking back down at the baby.

"I-is something wrong?" His face fell.

"Charlie… Charlie does the baby have to be Lord Grantham's heir?"

"Why yes I…"

"I'm not…. I'm a little, unsettled by the notion Charlie. I didn't know any of this."

Carson paused, remembering the times that she'd been some what critical of the family and societal order in their past conversations and realized finally that when it came to that scheme of things, they were not on the same page. He'd always held his tongue, keeping his secret inside. At the time, he'd been so blinded by love, and blindsided by lust that he hadn't thought such a difference mattered. Of course, he hadn't imagined that they'd have a son so quickly

"Elsie I… Elsie you must understand: this is part of me too."

"So they say." She bit her lip.

"You don't want me now, do you?"

"Oh Charlie I could never not want you… it's just not the life I wanted for him."

"What do you mean? He'll be a prominent man Elsie; he'll be something your forefathers and mine really, never dreamed. My mother was a maid in this house too."

"If nothing else, I wanted to give him freedom, not more responsibility than he could manage as a young man."

Carson sighed, sitting down next to her. Finally, he understood what she meant: her influence on her own child would be greatly diminished by all of this.

"My love. He may be destined to be something you did not expect: a very grand thing with a grand life. But he will have privilege and can help shape the world in a way we can only imagine. I'm proud of that, and astounded by it. And you must remember, you'll be the one guiding him, shaping him into a young man who will make choices that reflect your values."

"Will I or will this house?"

"You will. I'll make sure of it. Now marry me and don't worry about it."

"I think I'll always worry about it and about what people will say about him. Charlie Carson, the butler's illegitimate son, the heir of Downton."

"He'll be just fine." Carson was worried too but believed this was all for the best.

"I don't feel its right: to decide a lad's fate like this when he's a tiny babe. Let him decide his own fate." She swallowed her tears.

"Elsie I'm so sorry. If I'd only known you felt this way… I wouldn't want to give you up for anything, or give up the love we've shared, or give up my son. Above all, he is my son, not another man's heir but my son." He said brushing the baby's cheek, tears in his eyes too.

"If you'd known you'd what?"

He sighed. "I never… I never expected there'd be a baby, not before we wed anyway. I would've told you, so you could decide if you wanted this life. If it weren't for Mrs. Lee intervening I would've."

"Charlie is there no way out of this?"

He sighed. "I know its uncomfortable: think about me, trapped half way upstairs, half way down my whole life. It scared me, as a boy but then Downton became my home. There's a lot of people with our lot Elsie, we're just unseen but we're everywhere."

Elsie didn't speak: it already was her home, it had been, but now that she knew the life she'd have to live here: one of feeling held hostage, of being trapped in between she didn't know if she could do it.

"Do you trust me?" He asked, tears pooling in his eyes. He couldn't stand the thought of loosing Elsie.

"Of course I trust you. I love you." She felt the need to promise.

"Because I know you want to take our son and runaway, as far as you can get." He confessed and she didn't reply. Her lack of response caused his heart to tighten painfully, but he continued anyway. "Charlie will have a chance to stay upstairs and with every bit of my heart I tell you, that that means the world to me. Please. Allow him this privilege, one he earned by birth, by luck of the draw, that we couldn't have otherwise given him."

"I don't want to deny him that, truthfully I just don't want him hurt, and I don't want him hearing that his parents weren't good enough, that his mother was." She paused, gulping down her tears now. "That his mother was _that_ kind of woman."

"Oh Elsie." He said, taking her face in hand. "Everyone will know, as I do, that you are the most honorable of women."

Elsie shook with fear as she leaned upward to kiss him, softly engaging her lips with his. He sunk into the kiss, his tears streaming onto her face. He was hurt, and she was conflicted, both of them wondering if she would take the opportunity, one of these few nights before the wedding, and flee.


End file.
